You’ve gotten through telling kids about divorce — now how do you let your children know that you’re dating someone new who is not their other parent? What is the recommended time to wait, and what is the best method to introduce a new romantic partner, significant other, or boyfriend or girlfriend to your kids and family?
I am writing this article to share the incredibly helpful guidance of our co-parenting therapist with other divorced-with-kids families in the hopes that it will help support the children involved, and boost everyone’s happiness — while avoiding common pitfalls. I will use examples here from first-hand personal experience, as well as stories of the many ways I’ve seen the “introducing a new partner to kids” challenge go well — and not so well.
Here are the tips from our therapist about how to tell kids about a new significant other after divorce.
We all have egos, agendas, and desires — but at the end of the day, our job as parents is to put the wellbeing of our children as our #1 focus. This means that even though the next several guidelines may be frustrating, if they would help your kids mentally and emotionally, they are worth it to try.
The divorce process — both logistical and emotional — can take an extremely long time, and mental health professionals generally agree that it requires approximately two years for both adults and kids to adjust to the seismic changes that marriage separation entails. Given this, if there’s any way you’re able to hold off for approximately two years between telling kids about your divorce and introducing a new partner, that is ideal. (Naturally, there are many exceptions to this guideline, as well as the ones that follow, so use your best judgment with your specific situation.)
Over and over, I have seen parents tell their kids about a new partner far too soon — only to break up the next month, and thus cause confusion for everyone. Given this, it is strongly advised to wait at least six months before bringing up a new partner to your children — and even that time-frame would only be relevant if it is a very stable and enduring relationship (to the best of your knowledge)! That said…
This is an extremely important point: While it isn’t good to lie to your children, it is key to understand that sometimes there are things that kids simply don’t need to know about their parents’ personal lives. (For example, in most cases it would be inappropriate to involve your kids in the question, “Should I get a divorce?” as that is an adult decision to make.)
Take a very honest look at what is essential for your kids to know, and why, and tread carefully, because you can’t un-say certain revelations. This leads us to the next point…
Through reflection, discussion with trusted friends, or therapy, really try to get to the heart of WHY you want to introduce your new partner to your kids NOW. What are the real reasons?
If you want your children to be reassured that you are loved and cared for, could that be done by sharing with them about your robust friend and community network? Could they be introduced to LOTS of people in your life who care about you — beyond romantic partnership?
If your co-parent has already introduced a significant other, are you rushing the process of your own partner introduction to keep pace? If so, see guideline #3.
If you want to introduce your partner so you’re able to spend time with them while your kids are around (especially if you have 50-50 custody or more), could that be done first with a “friend” label, perhaps adding in your partner to the crew, mixed with platonic friends?
If your new partner is pressuring you to connect with your kids soon, see guidelines #1, #2, and #3 — and all the subsequent ones, for that matter. It’s really wonderful that your significant other wants to be part of your family, but make sure to put everything in this list in place first, and don’t rush the process.
As difficult as it can be, therapists and co-parenting/divorce books agree: Whenever possible, be in open and clear communication with your co-parent to align on strategy before undertaking big parenting moves like introducing a new partner. In the case of our family, our therapist had one of us write an email to the other saying, “I’m thinking of telling the kids about my significant other next week. What are your thoughts?”
This opened up a useful email discussion so we were able to get on the same page about timing, and so the other parent could be supportive, meaning that the children would know that this new partner wasn’t an attack on our family unit, but rather a positive forward step that we were all aligned on. As per guideline #1, it always supports the kids to know that their parents are on the same page, even when we live in two different houses.
Please, please, please remember the most important guideline after divorce: For the wellbeing of the kids, do not speak ill of your co-parent to your children, and by extension, do not speak negatively about their new partner. The more loving and caring adults in your kids’ lives, the better! (Of course, if there are safety concerns, you should take action to address those via adult channels, but that’s a whole other story.)
Once you hit the mark of two years after the divorce announcement, and at least six months after being in a solid and positive new relationship, still proceed slowly and thoughtfully. For example, having your kids meet your new partner first in a group of friends — and introduced as a good friend along with the others — can sometimes be helpful in starting to build connectedness, and to assess your children’s reactions to connecting with new people.
In some cases, I’ve seen kids pick up right away on the romantic spark, and even suggest, “You should ask that person out — they seem cool!” In other cases, the kids are very happy to hang out with the new friend without needing to know their romantic connection with their parent. Observe, assess, and always go back to what is truly best for the kids, remembering that they don’t need to know everything — especially not right away.
As we learned in “What to say about divorce,” language is extremely powerful, and humans have a tendency to make up whole narratives that aren’t based on reality. In the case of kids learning about their parents’ new boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, I often hear stories of the kids freaking out, tearfully screaming questions like, “Will we have to move homes or schools? Will we still get to see our other parent? Will you stop loving us?”
Be extremely proactive about reassuring what you can, as specifically as possible — but also remember that kids processing this major new information will take lots of time and iterations. As we learned in “How to tell kids about divorce,” sometimes a child’s brain literally cannot take in the new information at first, so ongoingly providing them opportunities to ask questions or share feelings is key — even if it’s in the form of casual play therapy, acting out thoughts with stuffed animals.
There are certain circumstances when it is highly recommended to get a therapist or other professional support in place for your child or children before you tell them about your new partner. Examples might include kids who tend to have strong emotional reactions to change, or instances where the new partner reveals a previously unknown side of the parent (for example, a different romantic orientation). You know your kiddo best, and if you think professional supports might benefit them, there are many qualified therapists who take insurance, and thus only cost $20 or less per session.
If you’ve followed all of these guidelines and are still on the fence about whether or not to introduce your new partner to your kids yet, take time and space to connect with yourself. Daily meditation, exercise, therapy, and consulting with trusted friends (and your new partner!) can help. Listen to your body and soul, and take your time. You’ll figure it out as long as you keep Rule #1 in mind: The wellbeing of the kids comes first.
I hope this article on how to introduce kids to a new romantic partner has been helpful! If you’re on the cusp of doing it, what questions or concerns do you have? If you’ve done it, what wisdom do you have to share? Do chime in below in the comments section!
Want more? See all my divorce articles here.
The author, Lillie Marshall, is a 6-foot-tall National Board Certified Teacher of English, fitness fan, and mother of two who has been a public school educator since 2003. She launched Around the World “L” Travel and Life Blog in 2009, and over 4.2 million readers have now visited this site. Lillie also runs TeachingTraveling.com and DrawingsOf.com. Subscribe to her monthly newsletter, and follow @WorldLillie on social media!
